What’s shiny, heavy, made out of steel, and perfect for cutting through bones? Yes, it’s a cleaver! And this is our post dedicated to… cleaver jokes? Wait a moment, the title says clever, not cleaver… Oh well, the aforementioned qualities apply both to cleavers and clever jokes as they are both known for their qualities to cut through things with their metaphorical and literal sharpness. So, a bullet dodged here, and let’s continue on talking about jokes, not axlike knives, shall we?
Alrighty then, smart jokes are why we are all here, and let’s check what we’ve managed to find that fits perfectly into the description of ‘cleaver,’ I mean clever, sorry again. These are indeed some intelligent jokes, as you are about to see for yourself, and the topics they encompass are thoroughly varied – from the minutiae of life to the grand ideas of great thinkers, these hilarious jokes will cater to any intellectual’s needs. Then there are the rhetorical questions that might’ve baffled you in any other instance, but when it’s a joke? There are also some clever dilemmas that don’t require solutions and are here solely for their entertainment value. And, of course, there are some good old puns to carry the burden of philosophical ponderings. No cleavers, though; sorry to disappoint you.
Anyway, it’s for you and your insatiable intellect to decide whether these clever jokes are truly smart or just pretend to be such. And how shall we know about your choice? Well, easily, because you’ve definitely voted for the funny jokes that have tickled your fancy! After that, there’s no question that you’ve shared this post with your compadres who have also voted for their best picks. That is how we are sure to know which of these seemingly silly jokes were actually the smartest of the bunch! As is, our gratitude befalls you for having completed such a vital task.
If you steal a Tesla, is it now called an Edison?
A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.” But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. Some time in the middle of the night, Holmes woke Watson up and said, “Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
Holmes asked, “And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson replied, “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life.”
Holmes said, “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”
Two men walk into a bar. One says, “I’ll have some H2O.”
The other says, “I’ll have some H2O, too.”
The second man died.
A man walks up to a librarian and asks, “Do you have any books on Pavlov’s dogs and Schrödinger’s cat?” The librarian responds, “It rings a bell but I’m not sure if it’s here or not.”
A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are standing in front of an empty house. They all observe two people walk in, and three people walk out. The biologist tries to explain the phenomenon by stating, “Well, they must have reproduced.” The physicist offers a different explanation, “There must have been an error in measurement.” Then, the mathematician says, “If one more person walks in, then the house will be empty again.”
I hate Russian dolls… So full of themselves.
The bartender says, “We don’t serve time travelers in here.”
A time traveler walks into a bar.
A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.
“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.
The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”
Queue is spelled just with Q and four silent letters.
No, it’s not. They’re just waiting their turn.
A man is talking to God. “God, how long is a million years?”
God answers, “To me, it’s about a minute.”
“God, how much is a million dollars?”
“To me, it’s a penny.”
“God, may I have a penny?”
“Wait a minute.”
Your mama is so classless, she could be a Marxist utopia.
A logician’s wife is having a baby. The doctor immediately hands the newborn to the dad.
The wife says, “Is it a boy or a girl?”
The logician says, “Yes.”
What’s the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know and I don’t care.
Did you hear about the mathematician who’s afraid of negative numbers?
He will stop at nothing to avoid them.
“One time, a guy handed me a picture. He said, “Here’s a picture of me when I was younger.” I thought, duuuh, every picture of you is when you were younger.” – Mitch Hedberg
A sign at a music shop: “Gone chopin. Bach in a minuet.”
A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses five feet to the left. The chemist takes a shot and misses five feet to the right. The statistician yells “We got ’em!”
It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
Who is this Rorschach guy and why does he paint so many pictures of my parents fighting?
Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He’s 0K now.
Somebody stole my mood ring. I don’t know how I feel about it.
Thank you student loans for getting me through university, I don’t think I can ever repay you.
What do you call an apology written in dots and dashes?
Re-morse code.
How easy is it to count in binary?
It’s as easy as 01 10 11.
How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A fish.
Pavlov is sitting at a pub enjoying a pint. The phone rings and he jumps up shouting, “Oh snap, I forgot to feed the dog!”
Sixteen sodium atoms walk into a bar… followed by Batman.
What’s the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but their flag is a huge plus.
A Roman walks into a bar. He holds up two fingers and says to the bartender, “Five beers, please.”
Once my dog ate all the Scrabble tiles. He kept leaving little messages around the house.
How do mathematicians scold their children?
“If I’ve told you n times, I’ve told you n+1 times…”
C, E-flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender shows them the door and says, “Sorry, we don’t serve minors.”
A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks, “Dry?”
The German replies, “Nein, just one.”
Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. A cop pulls him over and says “Do you have any idea how fast you were going back there?”
Heisenberg says, “No, but I knew where I was.”
An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible. The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it. The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock. The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines himself as being outside.
Einstein, Newton, and Pascal are hanging out one afternoon. Einstein is bored, so he suggests, “Let’s play hide-and-seek. I’ll be it!” The others agree, so Einstein begins counting. “One… Two… Three…” Pascal runs off right away to find a place to hide. But Newton merely takes out a piece of chalk and draws a 1 meter x 1 meter square. He finishes and steps into the square just as Einstein shouts, “Ready or not — here I come!” Einstein looks up and immediately spots Newton standing right in front of him. He says, “I found you, Pascal!”
What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass?
Beer.
Why are computers so smart?
Because they listen to their motherboards.
I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.
I’m reading an antigravity book. It’s impossible to put it down.
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him in the mainstream.
What did the left eye say to the right eye?
Between you and me, something smells.
What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings?
Any dog, because buildings can’t jump.
I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday. I can’t wait to see her face light up when she opens it.
A photon is going through airport security. The TSA agent asks if he has any luggage.
The photon says, “no, I’m traveling light”.
Three violin manufactures have all done business for years on the same block in the small town of Cremona, Italy.
After years of peaceful co-existence, the Amati family decided to put a sign in their shop window saying: “We make the best violins in Italy.”
The Guarneri family soon put a sign in their window proclaiming: “We make the best violins in the world.”
Finally, the Stradivarius family posted this sign outside their shop: “We make the best violins on the block.”
There are two types of people in the world: those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets…
A neutron walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a beer. How much will that be?” The bartender answers, “For you? No charge!”
What do you do with a chemist who is ill?
First you try to helium, then you try to curium, but if this fails then you have to barium.
What’s the difference between a chemist and a plumber?
Ask them to pronounce “unionized.”
Heard about that new band called 1023 MB? They haven’t had any gigs yet.
A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his pants mended. The tailor asks, “Euripides?” The professor replies, “Yes. Eumenides?”
How does Moses make his coffee?
Hebrews it.
Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.
Two hydrogen atoms are walking down the street together, when suddenly one shouts, “Damnit! I lost my electron!” The other atom asks, “Are you sure?” “Yes, I’m positive!”
I invented a new word – plagiarism.
Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?
He just needed a little space.
The numbers 19 and 20 got into a fight. 21.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens?
All they said was “Bach, Bach, Bach…”
What did the DNA said to the other DNA?
“Do these genes make me look fat?”
You’re a 10 on the pH scale.
Because you’re basic.
What happened to the astronaut who stepped on chewing gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
There are only two hard things in computer science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.
Why should the number 288 never be mentioned?
It’s two gross.
I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be…
A man tells his doctor, “Doc, help me. I’m addicted to Twitter!”
The doctor replies, “Sorry, I don’t follow.”
“Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.” – Groucho Marx
What rhymes with orange?
No it doesn’t.
I waited all night to see where the sun would rise… And then it dawned on me.
A recent finding by statisticians shows the average human has one breast and one testicle.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused novocaine during a root canal?
His goal: transcend dental medication.
Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.”
The waitress replies, “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
Why can’t you trust atoms?
Because they make up everything.
Two sociologists are sitting by the pool. One turns to the other and asks, “Have you read Marx?” to which the other replies, “Yes, it’s these damn wicker chairs.”
We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea. Runs in our jeans.
There once was a woman who had 100 children. She named each of them after numbers in the order they were born. There was a fire and all of them died except Ninety. Ninety went off to have kids of her own. They were very kind and loving. One day they found an injured dog. They took it home and nursed it back to health. They hid the dog and never told their mother, afraid she would kick the dog out. In fact they never told anyone. To keep from arousing any suspicions, they named the dog “This”, so the name could be used in conversation. One day This ran away. They never saw This again. No one else knew about This. No one even knew a dog named This existed.
Only Ninety’s kids will remember This.
What did the cell say to his sister cell after stepping on his foot?
Mitosis.
Why do we tell actors to “break a leg”?
Because every play has a cast.
What does Charles Dickens keep in his spice rack?
The best of thymes, the worst of thymes.
A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar.
No joke.
This sentence contains exactly threeee erors.
What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
“Make me one with everything.”
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.
I’d tell you a chemistry joke but I probably won’t get a reaction.
I, for one, like Roman numerals.
Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?
Because the “P” is silent.
Always remember — you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
Helvetica and Times New Roman walk into a bar.
“Get out of here!” shouts the bartender. “We don’t serve your type.”
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There’s no menu – you get what you deserve.
Rest in peace to boiling water. You will be mist.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
A mathematician wanders back home at 3 a.m. and proceeds to get an earful from his wife.
“You’re late!” she yells. “You said you’d be home by 11:45!”
“Actually”, the mathematician replies cooly, “I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12”.
What was Beethoven’s favorite fruit?
Ba-na-na-naaaaaa!
Rene Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a beer?”
Descartes replies, “I think not” and promptly disappears.
Why do engineers confuse Halloween and Christmas?
Because Oct. 31 = Dec. 25.
What do you call someone who is smart compared to horses?
A stable genius.
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
To.
To who?
No, to whom.
Did you hear about the weakly poker game with Vasco da Gama, Christopher Columbus, Leif Erikson, and Francisco Pizarro?
They can never seem to beat the straights of Magellan.
Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?
First Law of Thermodynamics: you can’t win. Second Law of Thermodynamics: you can’t break even. Third Law of Thermodynamics: you can’t stop playing.
What do astronauts wear to keep warm?
Apollo-neck sweaters.
This is the sort of English up with which I will not put.
Who does Polyphemus hate more than Odysseus?
Nobody.
Oh, man! A hyperbole totally ripped into this bar and destroyed everything!
A molecule tells another: “A free electron once stripped me of an electron after he lepton me. You gotta keep your ion them!”
If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.
Why do people call organic chemistry the meanest science?
Because it’s always pushing electrons around.
What do you say to comfort a logophile?
Their, there, they’re.
Two women walk into a bar and talk about the Bechdel test.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can’t cross a vector and a scalar.
What does the “B” stand for in Benoit B. Mandelbrot?
Benoit B. Mandelbrot.