I think that we can all agree that dogs are the superior pets (don’t tell that to our cat overlords, though!). Besides being the cuddliest, most loving animals ever, they also brighten our days with their kooky antics and give us artistic inspiration with their snotty-nose-drawn pieces on house and car windows. Dog-cassos, if you will. Because of these unmistakable dog-ish traits – like cuteness, bizarre tail chases, and unfathomable smarts – pups are also a great material for jokes. So, this is our article dedicated solely to dog jokes, and one thing we can promise – it will brighten up your day tremendously!
In this article, among the plethora of hilarious animal jokes, you might expect to find: corny puns, only the best one-liners, silly wordplays, and cute jokes. So, we’re drawing to a conclusion here – the dog jokes are as diverse as the pups themselves, and without any doubt, only the goodest! How else would we talk about man’s best friend if not in the words that are of the greatest quality and the most magical entertainment value? After all, dogs do deserve everything that’s best, even when talking about silly jokes.
You know exactly what to do here – scroll just a bit further down to reveal our collection of these cute jokes. Some of them will leave you howling with laughter; others might even get added to your own personal collection of the best jokes that you’ve ever seen. Don’t forget to vote for those! Finally, after all that is well and done, share this article with anyone in need of comedic relief!
What do you call a dog magician?
A labracadabrador.
“My dog was my soul mate; we both took naps, we both skipped lunch, we both hated the vacuum…”
What do you get when you cross a dog and a calculator?
A friend you can count on.
What breed of dog can jump higher than a building?
All breeds can, since buildings can’t jump.
A dog goes into a bar and orders a martini. The bartender says, “You don’t see a dog in here drinking a martini very often.” The dog says, “At these prices, I’m not surprised.”
Our dog brings us the newspaper every day… Funny thing is, we’ve never subscribed to any.
Why are Dalmatians not considered good at playing hide and seek?
Because they are always spotted.
What do you call a large dog that meditates?
Aware wolf.
What do you call a frozen dog?
A pupsicle.
“A Canadian psychologist is selling a video that teaches you how to test your dog’s IQ. Here’s how it works: if you spend $12.99 for the video, your dog is smarter than you.”
“We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet, so we bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.”
A Dachshund walks into a telegraph office, picks up a blank form, and writes: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”
The clerk looks over the paper for a minute before telling the dog, “You know, there are only nine words here. You could add another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”
The Dachshund shakes his head at the clerk in disbelief. “But that would make no sense at all.”
When you cross a dog with a cougar, what do you get?
A lot of trouble with a postman.
What kinds of outdoor markets do dogs despise?
Flea markets.
When a dog has a fever, what should you feed him?
Mustard — it’s the best thing for hot dogs.
Why did the dog resign from his job?
The work was too ruff.
Two dog owners are arguing about whose pet is smarter. “My dog is so smart,” says the first owner, “that every morning he goes to the store and buys me a sesame seed bagel with chive cream cheese, stops off at Starbucks and picks me up a mocha latte, and then comes home and turns on ESPN, all before I get out of bed.” “I know,” says the second owner. “How do you know?” the first demands. “My dog told me.”
Why did the man living in Alaska name his dog Frost?
Because Frost bites.
What happens when a dog loses its tail?
It goes to a retail store to buy a new one.
What do you call a dog that can’t bark?
A hushpuppy.
What could be worse than raining cats and dogs?
Hailing taxis.
After accidentally swallowing Buzz Lightyear, what did the dog say to Woody?
“You got a friend in me.”
What was the dog doing all night?
He was barking all night without any paws.
What’s the worst part about it raining cats and dogs?
You have to look out for the poodles.
How do dog catchers get paid?
By the pound.
What do chemists’ dogs do with their bones?
They barium.
How are a dog and a marine biologist alike?
One wags a tail and the other tags a whale.
What do you call a cold dog?
A Chilli Dog.
Did you hear about the dog who couldn’t stop talking like a horse?
It was a dog and pony show.
What does my dog and my phone have in common?
They both have collar I.D.
What do you get if you cross a gold dog with a telephone?
A golden receiver.
What is it called when a cat wins a dog show?
A CAT-HAS-TROPHY.
What do dogs do after they finish obedience school?
They get their masters.
Just realized a pregnant dog is a dog full of puppies. That’s the best.
“We’re eating dinner soon. Don’t fill up on homework.” — Dog mom
“My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir, are you going to answer me?” The neighbor leaped to his feet. “Are you talking to me?” he asked. “Sorry; I can’t hear a darn thing.” The case was dismissed.”
After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer: “All 40 accounted for.”
“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.
“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”
“I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.”
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog and she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
“I’m a dog trainer. Before I met with a new client, I had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, “Why did you choose this breed?” My client responded, “I often ask myself this very same question.”
“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.”
“I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.”
“I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named “Fireworks and vacuums” so my dog won’t find them.”
The dogs next door get a little noisy, so one day somebody called animal control to complain. When the officers arrived, I heard my neighbor tell them, “Hey, dogs bark. It’s human nature.”
As the stranger enters a country store, he spots a sign: “Danger! Beware of Dog!” Inside, he sees a harmless old hound asleep in the middle of the floor.
“Is that the dog we’re supposed to beware of?” he asks the owner.
“That’s him,” comes the reply.
“He doesn’t look dangerous to me. Why would you post that sign?”
“Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him.”
When you cross an aggressive dog with a computer, what do you get?
A lot of bites.
What do puppies and pages of a book have in common?
They’re both dog-eared.
What type of dog is constantly aware of the time?
A watch dog.
Why do dogs tend to run in circles?
Because its really hard to run in squares.
What could be more incredible than a talking dog?
A spelling bee.
How many hairs are in a dog’s tail?
None. They’re all on the outside.
What did the man name his two watch dogs?
Rolex and Timex.
When you cross a sheepdog with a rose, what do you get?
A collie-flower.
When my friend’s dog died, I bought an identical one to try to cheer them up… But it just made them more upset. Do you know what my friend said when I gave the dog to them?
“What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?!”
What do dogs usually like to eat at the movie theaters?
Pupcorn.
What do you call a sleeping Rottweiler?
Whatever you want, but do it silently.
What did one flea say to the other?
“Should we walk, or just take the dog?”
What do you get when you cross a dog and a ballpoint pen?
Ink spots.
Why aren’t Corgi jokes funny?
All of them are really short.
How do you know if you have a slow dog?
It chases parked cars.
What would you call a dog named Minton who ate two shuttlecocks?
Bad Minton.
Why did the family take their dog to the watchmaker?
It had ticks.
What’s the similarity between a dog and a tree?
Both have barks.
What’s a dog’s favorite movie?
Jurassic Bark.
What’s a dog’s favorite breakfast dish?
Woof-fle.
What did the dog say to the other dog?
Let’s raise the woof.
What did the dog say to his son?
I woof you.
What did the dog say when he picked up the phone?
“I will collie you later.”
What’s a dog’s favourite music album?
The ‘Bark Side Of The Dog’.
Why is the puppy sitting next to the fire?
He wants to become a hot dog when he grows up.
Why aren’t dogs good dancers?
Because they have two left feet.
What kind of dog chases anything red?
A Bulldog.
Why do dogs bury bones in the ground?
Because they can’t bury them in trees.
What do you call a black Eskimo dog?
A dusky husky.
What do you get if you cross a sheepdog with a jelly?
The collie wobbles.
What did the skeleton say to the puppy?
Bonappetite.
Why did the dog need help on his pros and cons chart?
He was CON-fused.
What do you get when you cross a race dog with a bumble bee?
A Greyhound Buzz.
What do you get if you cross a Beatle and an Australian dog?
Dingo Starr.
What happened when the dog went to the flea circus?
He stole the show.
What kind of dog does Dracula have?
A bloodhound.
Why did the dog cross the road?
To get to the “barking” lot.
How did the little Scottish dog feel when he saw a monster?
Terrier-fied.
A woman called our airline customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board. “Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over. The customer was flummoxed: “I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”
Why do dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them.
What kind of dog likes taking a bath every day?
A shampoo-dle.
Which dog breed loves living in New York?
A Yorkie.
Why didn’t the dog want to play football?
It was a Boxer.
Why did the two-legged dog to come to an abrupt halt?
It had two paws.
What did Darth Vader’s dog say to Luke’s dog?
“Come on! Join the bark side.”
Why did the Dachshund want to sit in the shade?
Because it was a hot dog.
What do dogs do when they need to take a bathroom break during a movie?
They press the paws button.
When you cross a Rottweiler with a hyena, what do you get?
I’m not sure, but if it begins laughing, I’m going to join in.
When you put oil on a racing dog, what do you get?
Grease Lightning.
Why is a dogs’ barks so loud?
They have built-in sub-woofers.
When you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a rooster, what do you get?
A cockerpoodledoo!
Why did the officer issue a ticket to the dog who gave birth on the side of the road?
Because she was littering.
When you cross a frog with a dog, what do you get?
A croaker spaniel.
How can you get a dog in the back seat to quit barking while you’re driving?
Invite him to sit up front and bark there instead.
Why did the man make pancakes for his dog?
His dog sure didn’t know how.
Why was the dog stealing shingles?
He really wanted to become a woofer.
What do you get when you cross a dog and a lion?
You’re not going to get any mail, that’s for sure.
When the dog sat on sandpaper, what did he say?
Ruff! Ruff!
What happens if you connect a corgi to a battery?
You’ll get a short circuit.
What do you call a dog that doesn’t have any legs?
It doesn’t matter! It still won’t come when you call its name.
Whenever I take my dog to the park, the ducks always try to bite him.
I guess it makes sense, since he’s pure bread.
Are you wondering what dogs have for breakfast?
They have pooch-ed eggs.
Why did everyone love the doggy storyteller?
He knew how to paws for dramatic effect.
What musical instrument did the dog musician love to play?
A trom-bone.
What would you call a left handed dog boxer?
A south paw.
What would happen if someone crossed a dog with a film studio?
You would find yourself in collie-wood.
What term do you use to refer to a dog that researches old trees?
Well, you can call him a barkologist.
What would you call a dog from Asgard that owns a mighty hammer?
A Labrathor.
Which dog breed knows how to use the phone?
A dial-matian.
Who is a dog’s favorite playwright?
William Shakespaw.
What’s a dog’s favorite fashion magazine?
Vanity Fur.
What did the dog say to his wife?
Howl will I ever live without you.
How did the dog apologize?
“Please fur-give me.”
What did the dog say to calm his stressed friend?
“Try to remain paw-sitive.”
What did the dog say when he went to the dog park for the second time?
“This place looks fur-miliar.”
What did the dog say to its owner?
I am so fur-tunate to have you in my life.
What did the annoyed dog say to another dog?
“Will you please stop hounding me?”
What did the small dog who was madly in love say to his beloved?
“You are the corg-key of my heart.”
What subject did the dog select as his major in college?
Bark-ology.
Knock Knock!
Wh’s there?
Dash.
Dash who?
No, it’s called Dashchund!
What’s a puppy’s favorite type of pizza?
A pupperoni pizza.
It was the end of the day when I parked my police van in front of the station. As I gathered my equipment, my K-9 partner, Jake, was barking and I saw a little boy staring in at me.
“Is that a dog you got back there?” he asked.
“It sure is,” I replied.
Puzzled, the boy looked at me and then toward the back of the van. Finally he said, “What’d he do?”
Knock Knock!
Who’s there?
Ty.
Ty who?
Ty up the dog before he starts chasing away the squirrels again.